As humans, evolution is essential– from how we’re nurtured as children to the nature of our very “being”; everything within the circumstance of existence is continuously changing. When we oppose change and reject it from our lives, we go against innate evolution. This resistance then manifests itself in the form of insecurity, shame, and helplessness. However, we do not have to remain helpless in the face of our destiny or life.
It starts with control. Our efficiency in self-actualization is often hindered by the amount of energy we put into others. To be successful in growth, we need to examine the control we possess and where we direct it. This means not only looking deeper inward but also evaluating the relationships we have with the people around us. We cannot render our control to others who will not change by our will, but only their own. It is up to you to reclaim that control and energy, while putting in the effort to redirect it towards what you can influence.
To find out where your influence lies, take a step back and identify where your control in a situation begins and ends. Do what you can and accept what you can’t. To some extent, we have control over everything we do. Sometimes, control looks less like dominating a situation and more like choosing yourself– rather than exhausting your energy in a losing battle, where the outcome extends beyond your power. Do not let yourself remain powerless by carrying other people’s shortcomings.
Alongside this comes acceptance. Acceptance can be incredibly powerful. Whether it’s accepting others for where they are in life, without expecting more than what you already know to be true, or accepting yourself for being a human who makes mistakes; it can free you from the weight of responsibility that isn’t yours to bear. It may feel like it’s your job to help someone become better because you care about them, but it’s not. Realizing that the only way someone can change is if they truly want to is the starting point for setting necessary boundaries. You can accept someone for where they are while also respecting yourself. What you don’t have to ever accept, though, is someone disrespecting boundaries you’ve set to protect your peace. Boundaries help keep relationships healthy while also protecting the respect you deserve. Setting them in place shows others that in any relationship, you will not sacrifice or compromise for the sake of “comfort.” How people react to the boundaries you set will tell you whether or not that person is someone who deserves to have a place in your life. Just like acceptance, boundaries also hold a place within how you treat yourself. For example, accepting certain things about yourself that you may not like but also have no control over, leads to setting boundaries that remind you that beating yourself up will and can never change who you are. It provides a foundation for love and understanding, not only for yourself but for others as well. This also demonstrates the amount of respect you have for yourself. Showing yourself that level of acceptance only opens the door to many others who will also treat you to that degree of care and love, because how we think about ourselves is a direct reflection of the treatment we accept from others.
It’s important to acknowledge that the one thing that most, if not everyone, wants is to be accepted. Subsequently, though, can be the pursuit of acceptance in the wrong places. Solely relying on the approval of others will only lead to an increase in doubt and a decrease in personal confidence. It’s easy to get swept up in the chase of others’ approval but that only leads to missing out on the chance for real acceptance within yourself. When you allow yourself to be flawed without the feeling of shame, you invite the opportunity for one of the most beautiful things in life– growth. That’s why when we continue to inflict shame, we’re only discouraging the process of learning, which only leads to dwelling on what has already happened. Instead of wasting energy and staying in that place of humiliation, put your energy into being conscious of how you talk to yourself.
You will find that a lot can be solved with some empathy and compassion. Giving yourself compassion means giving yourself the grace to fail. Which really just means allowing yourself to be human. When you’re consistently setting up unattainable “goals” for yourself, you’re inviting more of that unneeded shame. It’s imperative that you’re giving yourself the chance to take a break, so you can get back up and be better. No one can be expected to be always going down the right path with a good state of mind; it simply isn’t humanly possible. We must understand that part of being human is not always being right and we must give ourselves the grace to reflect in a healthy and productive way. It is up to you to instill compassion and understanding as a result of failures; it is up to you to give yourself the grace to slow down in a world that is persistently telling us how much faster we need to go. When you can get to a place where instead of throwing yourself into self-doubt, you choose to show yourself grace, that is how you know you’re developing a deep understanding of your internal capacities. It is not weak to be aware of these, rather it shows you can be someone who sees failing as the beginning of a new journey rather than the end of one.
In the end, it is your life. The only person you can count on to always be there is yourself. That’s why allowing yourself to go through these different stages of self-development is quintessential to living the best life you can. Otherwise, it can be very easy to fall into an internal battle against yourself and no life should be lived in a way where the only peace you receive is the one that awaits you from the afterlife. With all this in mind, please remind yourself that the path to self-actualization is never linear. It can be hard at times to make the right decision because sometimes you can’t see something for what it is until you’ve experienced it. The path of self-evolution looks different for each unique individual, from where we start off to where we end. There is no single correct way to evolve, just as there is no one right way to live. What matters most is that we honor and stay true to who we are.
