Neitzelt: Has Anyone Ever Seen Him Run?


Alexa Ogilvie

You’ve seen him bike.
You’ve seen him play dodgeball.
You’ve seen him coach.
But has anyone actually ever seen him run?
Mr. David Neitzelt is known around Hoover for being a math teacher and the head coach for both the girls cross country and track teams. You can often see him after school, directing practices for both exemplary teams. However, though he can be seen, he has never been seen actually running. Despite coaching two teams that literally revolve around running, he has never been seen doing the same.
“That’s on a need-to-know basis,” Neitzelt said, when asked if he had ever run before. “I’ve done my time. There have been instances that called for running that I may or may not participate in.”
Junior Sarah Jones has been running under Neitzelt’s coaching for three years. Throughout those years, she has had every chance to see him run.
“I have seen him do anything he can to not have to run,” she said. “He’ll hide in the bushes with his bike to see if we’re running but he does not run. He has talked about running before, but not enough that I would believe it. He only brings it up when we are complaining about running.”
This helps lead to the confirmation that Neitzelt does not run, and that he will indeed do anything to avoid running alongside his runners.
“I ride my bike, or we drive to locations,” Neitzelt said.
Despite these tactics which have been in effect for what seems as long as Neitzelt has been teaching, Jones spoke about other rumors.
“I also believe that he has underground tunnels that start at the tree and go along all of the routes we run,” she said. “That’s why it takes so long for him to give us more routes — so he can dig the tunnel first.”
Neitzelt was asked about the tunnels.
“I’m not at liberty to say,” he said.
When asked about the chance of seeing Neitzelt run, Jones seemed like the odds were not in her or anyone else’s favor.
“I don’t think we ever will [see him run] because his plans will only get better to keep us from seeing him,” she said.
Who knows if anyone will ever see Neitzelt run. It may just have to be a mystery of Hoover that remains. All that is known is that Neitzelt will neither confirm nor deny.
“I would like any further investigations of this topic to be stricken from the record,” he said.